"It costs God nothing, so far as we know, to create nice things; but to convert rebellious wills cost Him crucifixion." 
-- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, 179.--
In his book Exquisite Agony, Gene Edwards compares the hurt inflicted upon Christians by other Christians with that of a crucifixion.  I can relate to this at present.  But the most difficult thing about it is the fact that the very people who do the act really are not behind the act.  And even though I want to blame the devil and all of the dark minions for the act, they are not behind it.  So, who is responsible for this terrible pain that has entered my life?  God has orchestrated this "crucifixion" for His own purposes.  And frankly, I have asked Him many times to do just that in my prayers.  Oh to be careful for that which we pray!
The crucifixion of Jesus was just a beginning for all of us.  The Apostle Paul says it like this in the letter to the Philippians 3:10-11:  "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."  I have prayed that very thing many times.  Should I be surprised that He would take me to this place then?  Still, it is not fun and it hurts like crazy!  I feel like Percy Talbot in The Spitfire Grill who asks, “Do you suppose there are wounds which go so deep the healing of them hurts as much as the wounding?”  To be hung on a cross means to suffer much pain.  But I am learning that God has a purpose even in this.
It is in the crucifixion that the darkness rises to the surface.  Like the dross on silver, my darkness came up quickly, impurely, and like a bad dream.  However, God has been graciously accepting it as a gift that only He would take with gladness.  I can no longer think that the enemy of our souls is hiding behind every rock and system in the world.  I have learned to not lean upon my fleshly ways.  I am sure that I will have to put these to death many more times in the future.  However, God is good in allowing me to see them as they are.  Like all public crucifixions, it is embarrassing to have your darkness hanging out for all humankind to see.  Who wants to be seen naked in the public square?  But if I must be a fool for the cross, then let my folly be a lesson in dying to self.  Does it hurt?  Like the dickens.  Would I choose another way?  In a heartbeat.  But who am I to say what God can or cannot do?
This past year has been like a chapter out of the book of Job for our family.  I do not want to make any comparisons however to myself and Job.  It cannot be said of me that I have not sinned.  The Lord knows that I have been full of pain and sin and anger and many other things during this time.  It has not seemed fair, but what about a crucifixion is?  It is an excruciatingly purifying experience.  And I have learned that like many before me, we should think before we pray.  But let's be honest....shouldn't we all want to be brought into the image of Christ?  So we pray, the silver bubbles, the dross rises, and when the Master Silversmith sees His reflection in the silver, then we are purified.  A crucifixion like this one is necessary for me to become more like Him.  I hope that I don't have to go through this again, but I won't be surprised if I do.  I am just glad that for now, He has given me the strength to make it through one day at a time.
I need to say "thank you" to our God who would honor me with this experience.  I know it doesn't feel like an honor right now, but some day we will look back upon this time and see something was born here that was worth the pain.  I forgive those human instruments that God used to do this work in me.  They were part of His plan.  Like all public crucifixions, there will be much talk around it, innuendo, speculation, false accusations, and hurt.  It might be time for us to move beyond that and make peace.  Each time that a "new" meeting around this occurs, I have to give that over to God and allow Him to take it.  How can I know what that person wants to talk about?  I don't want to speculate anymore about what someone might say.  I have tried hard to move on to a point where I can just be in the healing presence of God.  Every time that I start to think about the "why" or "who" or "who said what," I only go to a place that is irrational and unmanageable.  In the meantime, I know that everyone involved is beginning to realize that while there can be forgiveness, the wound is still too fresh for reconciliation and rebuilding of trust.  We Americans like to think that we can have it all in record time.  I am no different.  But our family needs time and space right now.  So, until the time comes when the wound is closed and the scar tissue isn't quite so tender, our family will have to be excused from play on the playground.  I hope others understand.
Finally, it doesn't help to blog this once, do a great job of expressing my thoughts, proofread it, and then go to publish it only to have it disappear into the black hole of the web.  But it happened!  It must be part of the whole grand design.  I don't know if I will ever go back into ministry again.  That is God's call.  I only know that when this is played out to the fullest and as we embrace our crucifixion, Jesus will be there with us each step of the way.  And so it is that I invite His presence into our home to help us heal.  We are blessed when we give our hopes, dreams, aspirations, and everything else, good and bad, over to Him for His purposes.  Once again, I let go of this pain and these things that have driven me for all of these years.  I give up my desire to "change the world."  I let go of the darkness of my depression.  I release to Him all of these things so that He might take them, break them, bless them and use them for whatever He wants to do.  And if a lesson can be learned to teach to others....so be it!  Today is the beginning of the next chapter in my life.  I am glad to be able to share it with others.  God bless you!