Poor in spirit

We all long for meaning in this life.  The idea that we have to wait until we have passed on to the other side before we find it is not comforting for me.  So, here I sit wondering why my life is not going as I would have planned it.  I recently was asked to step aside from my position as an associate pastor.  There are many reasons that could be given for this request, but suffice it to say, I was not a good fit.  And being asked to resign cannot be done in an easy fashion no matter what some might say.  So, I am left to nurse a wound and wonder about what God is doing in all of this.

I don't seem to mind failure.  In fact, one might say that I value it because it seems to be something in which I have invested heavily.  But the thing about it is that it never gets any easier.  It never stops being painful.  And it doesn't take a vacation.  To lose my "job" as a pastor in a church however has proven to be much more excruciating than any of my other experiences.  A friend of mine compares it to the splintering apart that happens when someone tries to separate the plies in plywood.  The glues that holds it together so powerfully do not want to let go and what you end up with is literally a shattered bunch of wood pieces that are virtually useless (unless you grind them up into sawdust and make compressed board with them). 

So much of being a pastor is like being married.  All of your presence is focused on shepherding the flock around you.  All of your relationships are tied to the body in which you minister.  The "call" that you  heard is fulfilled in ministering to those who are in need.  And every day you know that your faithful spouse (the church) is there walking through the good times and bad times with you.  When a decision is made that says that you are no longer to fulfill such duties in that marriage, it is devestating. 

I realize that I can continue to "minister" to people who have needs (and I do).  I recognize that God might be "calling" me into a different place.  And I know that it might mean that I no longer draw my income from being a pastor.  Still, I am feeling hurt, scared, angry, numb and bereaved.  And in the process of going through this, I realize that I will do and say some things that reflect these feelings.  I ask that those who know me might extend some grace my way for a time.  In order for me to get healthy through this grief process, I am going to go places that no one wants to go.  Now, some can say these are scars from childhood that need to be addressed and exercised from my life.  I like that idea but it could be just that these feelings are directly related to the pain happening right here and right now.  I will pray if these are areas from my youth that need to be dealt with through much prayer and fasting, then God will reveal this to me.  I ask you to pray too!  I hope however that you will give grace during this time.

I haven't lost my hope in God.  I believe in Him more than ever.  I am probably madder at Him now than I have ever been.  I think He can handle that and help me to walk through this time.  That is the thing about it....He let's us be just as we are and as He walks beside us or carries us, then we are graciously brought to healing.  And I need to be healed.  In fact, this has been hard on our whole family.  I have faith that God is walking us through this.  It is funny how we can go to Him when we feel beaten down because He allowed the beating to happen.  Like David who was anointed to be King of Israel turned to God when King Saul continually tried to kill him.  David had the audacity to ask God why!  It has never seemed fair to me and I remember all of the times when David wrote about "being surrounded by his enemies."  His enemies were his brothers and sisters of Israel!  It happens!

I want to finish this by saying that I am most sorry if I did or said or was not what others thought I should be before, during or after my work as a pastor was ended.  I think about a blog post I wrote afterwards and I shiver at it now.  I finally reread this last night and I can see how offensive it might have been.  This was an early "scream of pain" that was truly unfair and unwarranted.  I have had to move on and I hope that others can as well.  Mourning, grief and pain are often misunderstood and I can see why now.  Even I didn't realize how hurt I was.  I am glad that I have had some time since then to get a better handle on this.  I know now that I need time.  Until God has dealt with me sufficiently, I recognize that I will be in the laboratory of His love.  I guess that isn't such a bad place to be.  Still, when bad things happen to good people, we always wonder "What happened?"  God bless you richly!