"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."  George Bernard Shaw

 I have spent my summer in mourning.  I am not done yet.  I don't know when I will be done.  And I am okay with that although it has not been my favorite time of this life.  I am tired of the utter hypocrisy of this life....in me, in others, in the world, in the church, and in general.  I am sick of the system that we are waiting so badly to see change.  I am ready to find the people who have the courage to do what it is they want to see done instead of those who think that we are the cusp of something really "big."  (whatever that means!)

The institutional everything is sick.  I can't say that loud enough so let me say it again....whatever institution you find yourself in, it is sick, near death, almost finito.  The revolution is happening and most of us are not standing up and cheering.  Most of us are running scared trying to hold onto the vestiges of this world so that we can be something right now.  But the future is coming baby and you better hold on.  "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked."  (Alan Ginsberg)

This is the cry of the prophet calling out in the wilderness.  No one wants to hear it.  But even the Democratic Party is allowing the prophetic voice to be heard.  It is a voice calling for justice instead of wealth and prosperity.  The voice is guiding us back to authenticity, community, grace, and truth.  We are being lulled to sleep right now in our "mega-churches" and comfortable houses in the suburbs.  But God has not given up on the city.  God has not forgotten the poor, the widows, the homeless, and the orphans.  He sees and is crying out, "Justice, justice in a world that is punishing my children."  I am not making this up.  The prophet never owns the words, he or she must simply speak them.  Who will hear the voice of the Lord?

"I think it was when I ran into Kerouac and Burroughs - when I was 17 - that I realized I was talking through an empty skull... I wasn't thinking my own thoughts or saying my own thoughts."  (Alan Ginsberg)  Is it not equally true of you and I that we are merely mouthpieces for who knows what?  Does anyone think today?  Does that seem like a harsh statement?  Then prove it untrue.  Stand up and start thinking.  Let the truth become your rallying cry and honesty be your vessel.  I see the people sticking their heads in the sand in denial.  They cannot begin to deal with the truth because they are not being honest with themselves.  What does this make them?  The same as us....people who are scared and scarred and who know danger when they see it.  They can't begin to get into the justice game because it might hurt them deeply. 

I spent my summer trying not to think....obviously it didn't work.  In the end, we all have to face it.  Are we going to be more than we are and honestly assess ourselves or are we going to go with the flow and let the river of life dictate our next move?  Maybe a few will join me at the next boat rockers convention.  I hope so, but I am not holding my breath.  I have watched all summer long and seen the best of minds pull their heads back into their shells.  We will always settle if it means that we are safe and secure.  But I am looking for anyone who will have the courage to make room for "good deeds to run wild."  Where are you?

"We all started seeing things differently. Everywhere we went, we were sizing things up. I felt sorry for guys who packed into gyms, trying to look like how Calvin Klein or Tommy Hilfiger said they should."  (The Narrator)

“I am a possibilist. I believe that humanity is master of its own fate... Before we can change direction, we have to question many of the assumptions underlying our current philosophy. Assumptions like bigger is better; you can't stop progress; no speed is too fast; globalization is good. Then we have to replace them with some different assumptions: small is beautiful; roots and traditions are worth preserving; variety is the spice of life; the only work worth doing is meaningful work; biodiversity is the necessary pre-condition for human survival.”  Robert Bateman

The one thing that needs to be clear about this time in history is that there are no more "those people" out there.  The modern mind got into the habit of labeling whole groups of people and throwing them all into the mix.  This was a clever way of naming them out of existence so that we no longer needed to deal with them.  Out of this came thoughts that are apalling, but nevertheless real.  How do we build an organization with those kind of people?  Do you think you can raise funds with these people?  Or the worst of all....these people are all the same. 

I say all of this because I am in danger of doing a similar thing.  I want to lump everyone who is under 35 into a category and label them as being the same.  The truth is that for every 10 people under 35, there are more than 10 different ways to categorize each and every one of them.  There is no one label that fits with them any more than there is one label that fits with the over 35 group.  Let's face it, when Tom Brokaw called the depression era/WWII survivors the "greatest generation" he did a disservice to those men and women.  They may have been the greatest but they were and remain so much more.  In the same way, the young people who are going to revolutionize our world are much more than the sum of their parts.

I have friends who are older and more mature who are scared to death of what might happen if we unleash the wild ideas of the youth today.  After all, we are overly protective of the stuff that we allow to be read, seen, thought or spoken.  I find it peculiar that we are so involved with trying to stop people from reading the latest book by Donald Miller or William P. Young but most of the youth couldn't care less.  The more ideas the better.  Let's uncork the bottle and let the genie out for a while.  Maybe then we can begin to exercise discernment....oh, but that would mean we would be out of control from those who are trying to tell us how to use our minds, what to see, and what to think.  I can see how upsetting this is....but I also see how futile it is.  Our youth are not going to wait until they have permission.  They are just going to take it.  Are you ready?

 

I love T-Bone Burnett.  I know that few know who he is, but he wrote a song a few years back called "The Wild Truth."  In it, he says, "whatever happened to the man walking down the street with his hands in his pockets whistling a tune? science fiction and nostalgia have become the same thing. i don't know how to make any choices anymore i mean, who do i vote for? i get the feeling that as soon as something appears in the paper it ceases to be true. i want to meet the man who can crack this world of justice like a safe. someone with the courage to allow room for good deeds to run wild into the wild truth."  I think we are about to meet this "man."  He is every man and he is every woman who ever thought that maybe there was something more than they were getting from the system.  I am looking forward to that day.

"are we supposed to take all this greed and fear and hatred
seriously? it's like watching dust settle it never changes
it's too consistent

mercy is not consistent it's like the wind
it goes where it will. mercy is comic, and it's the only
thing worth taking seriously

i need the wild truth"  T-Bone Burnett

"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no 'brief candle' to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it over to future generations."  George Bernard Shaw

This is the hope that I have.  It is spoken by an athiest who would debate the great G K Chesterton.  He also articulated well in many fine plays.  But the point is that we are less than we should be because we don't believe that we are meant to be more.  Shaw, an athiest, got it much better than most.  If only we could all be like him.  I don't have a lot to say other than this right now.  I wanted to post a blog so that I can keep my string going.  I will write more in the coming week when I am on vacation.  It will give me time to think.  Blessings!

“It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.”  Tyler Durden

 

To be crucified means to be dead.  And to be dead means that there is nothing left of this world to hold on to.  The Apostle Paul said, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”  The only way that we can be crucified is with Christ.  He is the master conductor who takes us through all of the movements in the music until at last we are finally free to do anything.  

 

Jesus said, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”  I have seen the truth and it resides on the top of Golgotha’s hill.  It is in this place that all of us must be taken if we are to be purified and freed from the bonds of this world.  I am like anyone else….I talk a big game, but when the chips are down and my bluff is called, I cry like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  Yet, Jesus didn’t intend for my time of pain to be punishment.  And so it is that I am not being punished.  Although some may want it to feel like chastisement, Jesus loves me right through it.  How great is that?   

 

I am like the thieves on the crosses beside Him.  I have choices to make.  Do I want to embrace this death or do I want to fight it?  If He took me down from this cross right now, would I learn how to die?  I want to know Christ crucified.  I want to be able look upon all in this world who wish to do harm to me and anyone else and be able to say like Jesus did, “Forgive them.”  I am no victim here.  I am right where God has given me the privilege to be.  I am no fool here.  I know that I will have to struggle against my flesh to keep from getting resentful and bitter.  But I am in God’s hands here and there is no better place to be. 

 

I will let God be the judge of what is happening.  I am in good company.  And like many who have gone before me, I am imperfect.  Yet, as I allow Christ to live in me, I will be in a place that is truly wonderful.  This is not making lemonade out of lemons psycho jangle!  This is the true nature of walking in Christ.  Until I am brought low by Him, then I am just playing games.  What an honor it is to be chosen by Him to suffer through this so that I can “achieve the resurrection from the dead.”  That resurrection is already begun!   

 

I know this is short, but I was walking this morning and reflecting upon all that has happened.  I have died with Christ.  I am in mourning.  But I am waiting for the day when He will use this for His glory.  And who am I to say that He is not already using it.  I am surrounded by friends who check up on me daily (sometimes hourly).  I have a wonderful family who love me unconditionally.  I have a sore heart that is being replaced with the joy of the Lord.  And I have lost everything I thought was important.  I have been set free!  God bless you!

"The reason we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with God is that we so seldom acknowledge our utter nothingness before him."  Thomas Merton

We all long for meaning in this life.  The idea that we have to wait until we have passed on to the other side before we find it is not comforting for me.  So, here I sit wondering why my life is not going as I would have planned it.  I recently was asked to step aside from my position as an associate pastor.  There are many reasons that could be given for this request, but suffice it to say, I was not a good fit.  And being asked to resign cannot be done in an easy fashion no matter what some might say.  So, I am left to nurse a wound and wonder about what God is doing in all of this.

I don't seem to mind failure.  In fact, one might say that I value it because it seems to be something in which I have invested heavily.  But the thing about it is that it never gets any easier.  It never stops being painful.  And it doesn't take a vacation.  To lose my "job" as a pastor in a church however has proven to be much more excruciating than any of my other experiences.  A friend of mine compares it to the splintering apart that happens when someone tries to separate the plies in plywood.  The glues that holds it together so powerfully do not want to let go and what you end up with is literally a shattered bunch of wood pieces that are virtually useless (unless you grind them up into sawdust and make compressed board with them). 

So much of being a pastor is like being married.  All of your presence is focused on shepherding the flock around you.  All of your relationships are tied to the body in which you minister.  The "call" that you  heard is fulfilled in ministering to those who are in need.  And every day you know that your faithful spouse (the church) is there walking through the good times and bad times with you.  When a decision is made that says that you are no longer to fulfill such duties in that marriage, it is devestating. 

I realize that I can continue to "minister" to people who have needs (and I do).  I recognize that God might be "calling" me into a different place.  And I know that it might mean that I no longer draw my income from being a pastor.  Still, I am feeling hurt, scared, angry, numb and bereaved.  And in the process of going through this, I realize that I will do and say some things that reflect these feelings.  I ask that those who know me might extend some grace my way for a time.  In order for me to get healthy through this grief process, I am going to go places that no one wants to go.  Now, some can say these are scars from childhood that need to be addressed and exercised from my life.  I like that idea but it could be just that these feelings are directly related to the pain happening right here and right now.  I will pray if these are areas from my youth that need to be dealt with through much prayer and fasting, then God will reveal this to me.  I ask you to pray too!  I hope however that you will give grace during this time.

I haven't lost my hope in God.  I believe in Him more than ever.  I am probably madder at Him now than I have ever been.  I think He can handle that and help me to walk through this time.  That is the thing about it....He let's us be just as we are and as He walks beside us or carries us, then we are graciously brought to healing.  And I need to be healed.  In fact, this has been hard on our whole family.  I have faith that God is walking us through this.  It is funny how we can go to Him when we feel beaten down because He allowed the beating to happen.  Like David who was anointed to be King of Israel turned to God when King Saul continually tried to kill him.  David had the audacity to ask God why!  It has never seemed fair to me and I remember all of the times when David wrote about "being surrounded by his enemies."  His enemies were his brothers and sisters of Israel!  It happens!

I want to finish this by saying that I am most sorry if I did or said or was not what others thought I should be before, during or after my work as a pastor was ended.  I think about a blog post I wrote afterwards and I shiver at it now.  I finally reread this last night and I can see how offensive it might have been.  This was an early "scream of pain" that was truly unfair and unwarranted.  I have had to move on and I hope that others can as well.  Mourning, grief and pain are often misunderstood and I can see why now.  Even I didn't realize how hurt I was.  I am glad that I have had some time since then to get a better handle on this.  I know now that I need time.  Until God has dealt with me sufficiently, I recognize that I will be in the laboratory of His love.  I guess that isn't such a bad place to be.  Still, when bad things happen to good people, we always wonder "What happened?"  God bless you richly!