May 08, 2008 07:44

On being free

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“It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.”  Tyler Durden

 

To be crucified means to be dead.  And to be dead means that there is nothing left of this world to hold on to.  The Apostle Paul said, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”  The only way that we can be crucified is with Christ.  He is the master conductor who takes us through all of the movements in the music until at last we are finally free to do anything.  

 

Jesus said, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”  I have seen the truth and it resides on the top of Golgotha’s hill.  It is in this place that all of us must be taken if we are to be purified and freed from the bonds of this world.  I am like anyone else….I talk a big game, but when the chips are down and my bluff is called, I cry like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  Yet, Jesus didn’t intend for my time of pain to be punishment.  And so it is that I am not being punished.  Although some may want it to feel like chastisement, Jesus loves me right through it.  How great is that?   

 

I am like the thieves on the crosses beside Him.  I have choices to make.  Do I want to embrace this death or do I want to fight it?  If He took me down from this cross right now, would I learn how to die?  I want to know Christ crucified.  I want to be able look upon all in this world who wish to do harm to me and anyone else and be able to say like Jesus did, “Forgive them.”  I am no victim here.  I am right where God has given me the privilege to be.  I am no fool here.  I know that I will have to struggle against my flesh to keep from getting resentful and bitter.  But I am in God’s hands here and there is no better place to be. 

 

I will let God be the judge of what is happening.  I am in good company.  And like many who have gone before me, I am imperfect.  Yet, as I allow Christ to live in me, I will be in a place that is truly wonderful.  This is not making lemonade out of lemons psycho jangle!  This is the true nature of walking in Christ.  Until I am brought low by Him, then I am just playing games.  What an honor it is to be chosen by Him to suffer through this so that I can “achieve the resurrection from the dead.”  That resurrection is already begun!   

 

I know this is short, but I was walking this morning and reflecting upon all that has happened.  I have died with Christ.  I am in mourning.  But I am waiting for the day when He will use this for His glory.  And who am I to say that He is not already using it.  I am surrounded by friends who check up on me daily (sometimes hourly).  I have a wonderful family who love me unconditionally.  I have a sore heart that is being replaced with the joy of the Lord.  And I have lost everything I thought was important.  I have been set free!  God bless you!

 

May 06, 2008 06:40

A crucifixion of sorts

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"It costs God nothing, so far as we know, to create nice things; but to convert rebellious wills cost Him crucifixion." 
-- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, 179.--
In his book Exquisite Agony, Gene Edwards compares the hurt inflicted upon Christians by other Christians with that of a crucifixion.  I can relate to this at present.  But the most difficult thing about it is the fact that the very people who do the act really are not behind the act.  And even though I want to blame the devil and all of the dark minions for the act, they are not behind it.  So, who is responsible for this terrible pain that has entered my life?  God has orchestrated this "crucifixion" for His own purposes.  And frankly, I have asked Him many times to do just that in my prayers.  Oh to be careful for that which we pray!
The crucifixion of Jesus was just a beginning for all of us.  The Apostle Paul says it like this in the letter to the Philippians 3:10-11:  "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."  I have prayed that very thing many times.  Should I be surprised that He would take me to this place then?  Still, it is not fun and it hurts like crazy!  I feel like Percy Talbot in The Spitfire Grill who asks, “Do you suppose there are wounds which go so deep the healing of them hurts as much as the wounding?”  To be hung on a cross means to suffer much pain.  But I am learning that God has a purpose even in this.
It is in the crucifixion that the darkness rises to the surface.  Like the dross on silver, my darkness came up quickly, impurely, and like a bad dream.  However, God has been graciously accepting it as a gift that only He would take with gladness.  I can no longer think that the enemy of our souls is hiding behind every rock and system in the world.  I have learned to not lean upon my fleshly ways.  I am sure that I will have to put these to death many more times in the future.  However, God is good in allowing me to see them as they are.  Like all public crucifixions, it is embarrassing to have your darkness hanging out for all humankind to see.  Who wants to be seen naked in the public square?  But if I must be a fool for the cross, then let my folly be a lesson in dying to self.  Does it hurt?  Like the dickens.  Would I choose another way?  In a heartbeat.  But who am I to say what God can or cannot do?
This past year has been like a chapter out of the book of Job for our family.  I do not want to make any comparisons however to myself and Job.  It cannot be said of me that I have not sinned.  The Lord knows that I have been full of pain and sin and anger and many other things during this time.  It has not seemed fair, but what about a crucifixion is?  It is an excruciatingly purifying experience.  And I have learned that like many before me, we should think before we pray.  But let's be honest....shouldn't we all want to be brought into the image of Christ?  So we pray, the silver bubbles, the dross rises, and when the Master Silversmith sees His reflection in the silver, then we are purified.  A crucifixion like this one is necessary for me to become more like Him.  I hope that I don't have to go through this again, but I won't be surprised if I do.  I am just glad that for now, He has given me the strength to make it through one day at a time.
I need to say "thank you" to our God who would honor me with this experience.  I know it doesn't feel like an honor right now, but some day we will look back upon this time and see something was born here that was worth the pain.  I forgive those human instruments that God used to do this work in me.  They were part of His plan.  Like all public crucifixions, there will be much talk around it, innuendo, speculation, false accusations, and hurt.  It might be time for us to move beyond that and make peace.  Each time that a "new" meeting around this occurs, I have to give that over to God and allow Him to take it.  How can I know what that person wants to talk about?  I don't want to speculate anymore about what someone might say.  I have tried hard to move on to a point where I can just be in the healing presence of God.  Every time that I start to think about the "why" or "who" or "who said what," I only go to a place that is irrational and unmanageable.  In the meantime, I know that everyone involved is beginning to realize that while there can be forgiveness, the wound is still too fresh for reconciliation and rebuilding of trust.  We Americans like to think that we can have it all in record time.  I am no different.  But our family needs time and space right now.  So, until the time comes when the wound is closed and the scar tissue isn't quite so tender, our family will have to be excused from play on the playground.  I hope others understand.
Finally, it doesn't help to blog this once, do a great job of expressing my thoughts, proofread it, and then go to publish it only to have it disappear into the black hole of the web.  But it happened!  It must be part of the whole grand design.  I don't know if I will ever go back into ministry again.  That is God's call.  I only know that when this is played out to the fullest and as we embrace our crucifixion, Jesus will be there with us each step of the way.  And so it is that I invite His presence into our home to help us heal.  We are blessed when we give our hopes, dreams, aspirations, and everything else, good and bad, over to Him for His purposes.  Once again, I let go of this pain and these things that have driven me for all of these years.  I give up my desire to "change the world."  I let go of the darkness of my depression.  I release to Him all of these things so that He might take them, break them, bless them and use them for whatever He wants to do.  And if a lesson can be learned to teach to others....so be it!  Today is the beginning of the next chapter in my life.  I am glad to be able to share it with others.  God bless you!
 

May 02, 2008 09:17

Walking through grief

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"The reason we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with God is that we so seldom acknowledge our utter nothingness before him."  Thomas Merton

We all long for meaning in this life.  The idea that we have to wait until we have passed on to the other side before we find it is not comforting for me.  So, here I sit wondering why my life is not going as I would have planned it.  I recently was asked to step aside from my position as an associate pastor.  There are many reasons that could be given for this request, but suffice it to say, I was not a good fit.  And being asked to resign cannot be done in an easy fashion no matter what some might say.  So, I am left to nurse a wound and wonder about what God is doing in all of this.

I don't seem to mind failure.  In fact, one might say that I value it because it seems to be something in which I have invested heavily.  But the thing about it is that it never gets any easier.  It never stops being painful.  And it doesn't take a vacation.  To lose my "job" as a pastor in a church however has proven to be much more excruciating than any of my other experiences.  A friend of mine compares it to the splintering apart that happens when someone tries to separate the plies in plywood.  The glues that holds it together so powerfully do not want to let go and what you end up with is literally a shattered bunch of wood pieces that are virtually useless (unless you grind them up into sawdust and make compressed board with them). 

So much of being a pastor is like being married.  All of your presence is focused on shepherding the flock around you.  All of your relationships are tied to the body in which you minister.  The "call" that you  heard is fulfilled in ministering to those who are in need.  And every day you know that your faithful spouse (the church) is there walking through the good times and bad times with you.  When a decision is made that says that you are no longer to fulfill such duties in that marriage, it is devestating. 

I realize that I can continue to "minister" to people who have needs (and I do).  I recognize that God might be "calling" me into a different place.  And I know that it might mean that I no longer draw my income from being a pastor.  Still, I am feeling hurt, scared, angry, numb and bereaved.  And in the process of going through this, I realize that I will do and say some things that reflect these feelings.  I ask that those who know me might extend some grace my way for a time.  In order for me to get healthy through this grief process, I am going to go places that no one wants to go.  Now, some can say these are scars from childhood that need to be addressed and exercised from my life.  I like that idea but it could be just that these feelings are directly related to the pain happening right here and right now.  I will pray if these are areas from my youth that need to be dealt with through much prayer and fasting, then God will reveal this to me.  I ask you to pray too!  I hope however that you will give grace during this time.

I haven't lost my hope in God.  I believe in Him more than ever.  I am probably madder at Him now than I have ever been.  I think He can handle that and help me to walk through this time.  That is the thing about it....He let's us be just as we are and as He walks beside us or carries us, then we are graciously brought to healing.  And I need to be healed.  In fact, this has been hard on our whole family.  I have faith that God is walking us through this.  It is funny how we can go to Him when we feel beaten down because He allowed the beating to happen.  Like David who was anointed to be King of Israel turned to God when King Saul continually tried to kill him.  David had the audacity to ask God why!  It has never seemed fair to me and I remember all of the times when David wrote about "being surrounded by his enemies."  His enemies were his brothers and sisters of Israel!  It happens!

I want to finish this by saying that I am most sorry if I did or said or was not what others thought I should be before, during or after my work as a pastor was ended.  I think about a blog post I wrote afterwards and I shiver at it now.  I finally reread this last night and I can see how offensive it might have been.  This was an early "scream of pain" that was truly unfair and unwarranted.  I have had to move on and I hope that others can as well.  Mourning, grief and pain are often misunderstood and I can see why now.  Even I didn't realize how hurt I was.  I am glad that I have had some time since then to get a better handle on this.  I know now that I need time.  Until God has dealt with me sufficiently, I recognize that I will be in the laboratory of His love.  I guess that isn't such a bad place to be.  Still, when bad things happen to good people, we always wonder "What happened?"  God bless you richly!